I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
