honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
