So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
