Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
