my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
