he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
