You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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