I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
