I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she told me i tasted like america
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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