im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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