Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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