and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
