wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize