I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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