If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
