Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
