It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
