yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
