Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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