Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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