Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
