Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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