I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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