Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
God gave him joint rollers for hands
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
