also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
