I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
