Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
