Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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