dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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