I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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