I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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