My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
