I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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