who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
