**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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