Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
