just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
