They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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