I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
