Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Randomize
