well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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