I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Come see our sink grown plant.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
