i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
