So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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