im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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