My liver just broke up with me...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
