a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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