If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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