Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
