Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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