So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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