I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
