I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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